30 November 2009

Captain Save-a-Negro: A Primer

FYI: My Monday posts are also published at the Black Youth Project.




















Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I swear I saw commercials for the movie The Blind Side more times than I caught the ads of those cats singing the free credit report jingle.  (F-R-E-E that spells free/credit report dot com, baby...) Environmentalists could learn a lot from Hollywood; that place recycles scenarios more often than a tree hugger sneers at Hummer drivers.


The trailers for the movie indicate that The Blind Side is yet another addition to that long list of white savior movies.  I haven't seen it and don't plan to (In grad school, we call this not being bound by the text.), but it seems that Sandra "I'm doing this movie to make up for playing a racist in Crash" Bullock saves a big black kid from the perils of blackness.  (Crabs in a barrel.  You know the deal.)  I guess the Based on a true story tagline wants to goad me into not being critical of the movie, the genre.  Whatever.  The movie has provided an occasion to address the white savior film.  Since I've seen every episode of Webster and Diff'rent Strokes and Dangerous Minds (twice), I'm going to provide a primer for Negro saving for any and all white folks with plenty of money and love in their hearts to adopt a hapless black kid.  And for you black youth out there, pay attention.  You might find something useful here to make yourself more marketable.

1. Pick a good pathology (and stick to it) -- You can't just rescue a poor black kid.  All black people are poor.  You need to rescue a poor crack baby.  Or some teenage foster kid no one wants because he's no longer cute and still has flashbacks of being beaten with an extension cord.  (No more wire hangers!!!!)  Whatever the problem, make sure the kid has nothing to do with it.  Black kids need to be completely innocent in order to elicit any sympathy.

2. No pathology?  Pick a disaster.  -- Tragic things happen to black people everyday, but some things are more tragic than others thereby making some black kids worth saving.  Drive-by shootings?  Totally not cool, but expected and therefore not tragic enough for you to go flying into the 'hood to save a black kid.  Fire?  Car accident?  Hurricane Katrina?  Famine (for those interested in saving African kids)?  Quick!  Go put on your cape!  None of these events is part of the cast of usual suspects making black life so damn depressing, and thus warrant Negro saving.  Not sure if the occasion requires your superheroics? Ask yourself: If my friend told me they adopted a black kid after that child had suffered  ____, my response would be _____.  If the latter blank is filled with something akin to "Aw, that's so sad," then you've done well.

The test is full-proof.  Trust me.

3. Whichever Negro you choose, make sure it's wearing blue. -- No, I'm not talking about Crips.  Adopt a boy. How many white savior movies or tv shows starring little black girls can you name?  I'll wait.  *Cue the Jeopardy! theme music, please*  Maybe it's because little black boys and their uneven afros are just so irresistibly cute; maybe it's because little black girls will grow up and become black mothers who will subsequently abuse and/or abandon their children thereby forcing you to save their child(ren), but little black girls hardly ever get saved.  I guess Losing Isaiah sounds better than Losing Iesha.  Whatever the case, adopt a boy.  They're just easier, and you don't have to worry about that hair thing.  Besides, in high school he'll be a hit with the white girls.  I suppose those little black girls are too busy with their emasculation training, anyway.

4. Remember, he must have some value. -- You can't be all willy-nilly in your Negro saving.  You know they steal.  Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Summer M!?  Sandra Bullock's adopted son plays football really well.  Your black kid needs to be able to do something uniquely charming--like read.  Or make you laugh.

5. You need to learn something from all of this -- Whether it's (finally!) figuring out all of the steps to the electric slide or instituting a Soul Train line at your next family gathering, you will learn from your chosen downtrodden black child.  Perhaps you'll just learn unconditional love.  Whatever it is, it'll be memoir-worthy.  And you'll get on Oprah. AMAAAAAAZING!

6. Don't forget: race has nothing to do with this. -- You weren't even thinking about race until I typed it, right?  You are just being a good person, ok?  Don't let anyone tell you differently.  Those black people giving you the side-eye at Applebee's are just haters.

What did I miss?

Have a great week.  And yes, you're welcome.

6 comments:

jb said...

funny and on point as ever.

RaShonda said...

Indeed, def on point. Thanks Summer for writing this blog. My gf put me up on this, and I thoroughly enjoy what you come up with in each blog.

summer of sam said...

@jb: thanks. hope grad school is going well for you.

@rashonda: thanks for reading. and thanks to your gf for putting you on. doing what i can over here.

y'all be easy.

z.bediako said...

on point as always

Anonymous said...

I guess Losing Buy GW2 Gold Isaiah sounds better than Losing Iesha. Whatever the case, adopt a boy. They're just easier, and you don't Diablo 3 Goldhave to worry about that hair thing.

jaring safety said...

The article posted was very informative and useful
thanks for sharing.
jaring futsal , jaring futsal murah , jual jaring futsal , toko jaring futsal , agen jaring futsal ,
jaring golf , jual jaring golf , jaring golf murah , jaring polynet , tangga darurat , jaring truk ,
jaring cargo , jaring outbound , jual rumput futsal murah , jual rumput sintetis murah , tali tambang , cargo net ,
jaring tanaman , jaring kassa , jaring proyek , jaring bangunan , jaring gedung , jaring pengaman proyek ,
jaring pengaman bangunan , jaring pengaman gedung , jaring peneduh , jaring waring , kasa hijau , tangga darurat ,
jaring gawang futsal , jaring peneduh , jaring truk
https://tokojaring.wordpress.com/
https://jualjaringfutsal.wordpress.com/
https://pasangjaringfutsal.wordpress.com/
http://pancasamudera.wordpress.com/
http://jaringfutsal.wordpress.com/

Designer Labels

$40 million slaves (3) 2010 (1) 4-letter words (1) 80s (1) 8th grade (1) 90s (4) a different world (1) africa (1) aladdin (1) american values (4) amy winehouse (1) anderson cooper (1) anniversary (3) antoine dodson (1) apple (1) arizona (1) athletes (1) awkward black girl (1) barack obama (13) barbara walters (1) basketball (6) beer (1) bet (1) BET Awards (2) beyonce (4) bill clinton (1) bill duke (1) bill withers (1) birthdays (1) black beauty (1) black girls (4) black kids (4) black like me (1) black love is dead (2) black masculinity (1) black people (13) black respectability (1) black thought (1) black women (7) blacks (1) blame it on the alcohol (1) blaphemy (1) blind side (1) blizzard (1) blogging (1) bob marley (1) Bobby Brown (1) books (4) brandy (1) bryan safi (1) bryant gumbel (1) burger kind (1) cam'ron (1) capitalism (2) census 2010 (1) cereal (1) chappelle's show (1) charles barkley (1) chaz bono (1) chicago (3) chick-fil-a (2) chris broussard (1) chris brown (1) christmas (3) cinema (2) class (1) college (1) college basketball (1) coming out (1) commencement (2) commercials (2) common (3) current tv (1) d'angelo (2) dad (1) daddy (1) dark girls (1) dave chappelle (1) david stern (1) dead prez (1) death penalty (2) dee rees (1) democracy (1) dibs (1) diddy (1) dilla (1) dirty laundry (1) disaster (1) disney (1) dissertation (4) diva (1) don't ask don't tell (1) donell jones (1) drew brees (1) dwele (2) ebony (1) eddie long (1) education (1) election (1) enwhitlement (1) erica jong (1) erykah badu (3) esperanza spaulding (1) espn (2) et. al. (1) etc. (1) facebook (1) faggot (1) family (1) family stand (1) fantasy football (1) federal holidays (1) feminism (1) film (2) football (7) for colored girls (1) forgiveness (2) fox news (1) free agency 2010 (1) freedom (2) gabby sidibe (3) game (1) gang starr (1) gay hip hop (1) gender (1) geraldo rivera (1) ghetto heaven (1) gifts (1) god (1) going green (2) golf (1) grace jones (1) graduate school (1) graduation (2) grandma (1) grant hill (2) grocery shopping (1) guns (1) guru (1) haiti (4) hall of fame (1) halloween (1) harlem (1) harper lee (1) harry reid (1) hateration (1) henry louis gates (1) high school (1) hip hop (3) holding history (1) hood pass (1) hoodies (1) huck finn (2) hurricane katrina (1) immigration (3) instant vintage (2) internet (1) introductions (1) ipad (1) ipod (1) isiah thomas (1) jail (2) jalen rose (2) janelle monae (1) janet jackson (1) jazmine sullivan (1) jennifer hudson (1) john howard griffin (1) john mayer (1) jokes (2) just jokes (1) kanye west (2) kelly dodson (1) kfc (1) kia (1) kim wayans (1) kinky reggae (1) kitty kelley (1) kobe (1) kobe bryant (1) kreayshawn (1) krs-one (1) kwanzaa (1) lamya (1) language (1) late night with jimmy fallon (1) latin america (1) laurence fishburne (1) lauryn hill (6) lebron james (6) lena horne (1) lenny kravitz (1) lesbians of color (1) levar burton (1) lgbt (1) life after death (2) lists (1) little dragon (1) live blogging (1) logan square (1) long live the message (1) lupe fiasco (1) macon d. (1) magic johnson (1) maia campbell (1) making the band (1) man men (1) march madness (1) mariah carey (1) mark twain (1) marriage (1) martin lawrence (1) martin luther the king (3) mary j. blige (1) masculinity (1) mayor (1) me (1) mexicans (1) michael jackson (9) michael jordan (1) michael vick (1) michelle obama (1) Mike Tyson (1) military (1) MLK Day (1) mo'nique (1) mom (1) monday (1) money (3) montana fishburne (1) morality (1) movies (7) muhsinah (1) multiracial (1) muppets (1) music (19) my block (1) my former life (4) my personal issues (14) mystic brew (1) n (1) nannie (5) national coming out day (1) nba (2) negroes (7) new orleans (1) nfl (1) nigger (1) nihilism (2) nike (1) nina simone (1) nobel peace prize (1) not voting (1) occupy wall street (2) octavia spencer (1) oprah winfrey (4) osama bin laden (2) oscar (2) oscar grant (1) painting (1) pariah (1) pat robertson (2) paul beatty (1) paul laurence dunbar (1) paula patton (1) peyton manning (1) phaedra parks (2) phd (1) pictures (1) playboy (1) plays (1) poetry (2) police (2) politics (10) polkadotted stripes (5) pop life (56) porn (1) post cereal (1) post-race (18) post-soul (1) postmodernism (1) precious (5) prop 8 (1) push (1) qpoc (1) queen latifah (4) queer as folk (6) quoteable (1) racialicious (1) racism (14) randomness (1) reading is fundamental (2) repeal (1) resolutions (1) retirement (1) rhoa (1) richard daley (1) Rick James (1) rick perry (1) rihanna (1) robots (1) robyn crawford (1) rolling in the whip (1) rumors (6) run on (1) running (1) sade (1) sammy sosa (1) samples (1) sandra bullock (3) sapphire (1) school (1) sesame street (1) sexuality (9) Shingai Shoniwa (1) shows (1) slang (1) slavery (2) slum village (1) slurs (1) snoop dogg (1) sotomayor (1) soulja boy (1) sports (8) starbucks (1) stuff white people do (1) super bowl (2) survival (1) Teena Marie (1) tell him (1) terence trent d'arby (1) the 70s (1) the 80s (2) the banal. (1) the blind side (1) the civil rights movement (1) the clipse (1) the color purple (1) the cosby show (1) the dougie (1) the everyday (1) the fab five (3) the foreign exchange (1) the golden girls (1) the gregory brothers (1) the help (2) the hunger games (2) the lion king (1) the lovers and friends show (1) the new year (1) the NOISEttes (1) the nutcracker (1) the princess and the frog (1) the puppets (1) the roots (1) the smurfs (1) the view (1) the white boy shuffle (1) this is it (1) tiger woods (4) to kill a mockingbird (1) toure (1) toussaint l'ouverture (1) trader joe's (2) trayvon martin (2) trouble the water (1) troy davis (1) tv (1) twelve (1) twitter (1) tyler perry (5) usc (1) valentine's day (1) viola davis (1) voodoo (1) voting (1) Wayne Brady (1) web series (1) white house correspondents dinner (1) white house press corps (1) white men (1) white people (1) white saviors (1) white women (1) white women rappers (1) whitney houston (4) whoopi goldberg (1) will.i.am (1) william rhoden (1) william wordsworth (1) willow smith (2) wishing well (1) women (1) world cup (1) writing (1) wyclef (1) zo (1)