Some nappy-headed black girl starts beef with Willow Smith with a song entitled, "I Pick My Hair..." or something like that. Perhaps the residue of a Scrooge-like attitude from the holiday season still emanates from my pores, but are there any children more annoying than the spawn of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith? 2010 was like a some twisted version of sibling rivalry between Jaden and Willow--all played out on the pop culture radar. iCANT. Granted, "Whip My Hair" was absurdly catchy, but there are plenty young black girls with neither weave nor relaxer nor press and curl who cannot actually whip their hair back and forth. As such, I predict that--and by predict, I mean I get down on my knees and pray to white Jesus for each and every night--some young black girl takes offense at the implicit "issue" in Willow's jam and claps back. Hard. I will ghostwrite the song if necessary. Anything to terminate that whole Raz-B/Chris Brown twitter conflict.
Some young group of enterprising and musically gifted teenagers starts an internet sensation with a new dance, "The Patti Mayonnaise." God bless The Dougie, but when Matthew Stafford adopts it as a touchdown dance, the shark has been jumped. I have no idea what this dance will look like, perhaps it will resemble the Dougie (Mr. Fresh, I'm happy for you and I'ma let you finish, but Doug Funny was one of the greatest Dougs of all time. Never gets old to me.), or be some sort of weird interpretation of it. I imagine a group of young tomboyish girls would do such a dance.
Those of you who watched any NBA action during the Christmas holiday may have seen ads for the latest installment of the Big Momma's House franchise, Big Mommas. Having caught the commercials myself, I'm hoping that Martin Lawrence gets his butt kicked by a real life Big Mama. I'd predict that black men stop dressing in drag in '011 for a few laughs and a paycheck, but I'm trying to be somewhat realistic here. I just. need. this. to. stop. NOW.
Barack Obama's thought bubble during his entire State of the Union address will pretty much be some iteration of "Fuck all y'all." I typed that for no reason beyond I thought it might be funny. And I needed to predict something "political." Eh.
Phaedra Parks, Esq. gets her own show. For no reason other than I need it in my life.
Happy New Year, all. Make it a great one.