At the point during the meeting when my co-chair diagnosed me with the disease of perpetually questioning my own authority, I just nodded my head. What I really wanted to do is say (very calmly, very sarcastically), "Well, I wonder why I do that. It's not as if that's a common thing that happens in graduate school or in this department." To a certain extent, I expect things like that from her, but when she said that I wanted to rip out my own voice box and throw it on the table (implosion, self-destruction--they've trained me so well). My other co-chair agreed with what she said, but at least he said that my tendency to over-research wasn't uncommon. I think what I wanted at that point was a little follow-up, some Holyfield. Something like: Yes, you have problems accepting your own authority, but that's because this university requires that you question everything, especially yourself.
I don't know. I need the second part of that compound sentence. I think I just need someone to acknowledge the nature of this place, and stop pretending that both the benign and malign negligence is just some regular, every day shit--that I'm making this whole thing up. I don't want a self-esteem award, or a pat on the back. I just want someone, who doesn't (perpetually) question their own authority to acknowledge the inherently screwed up nature of this process and what it does to people, and stop acting like I'm some sort of freakazoid whose mild procrastination was exacerbated merely by some quirky faults of my own. I know that would be totally out of character, but at what point, if they're invested in seeing me finish the program, do they break character?
