Like any child of parents who worked full-time, I was often babysat by old people and television. As such, Oprah was part of my weekday afternoon ritual. (Yes, I'm continuing with the ritual theme--again). I'd come home from school, plop myself in front of Nannie and Papa's television, and catch the last half-hour of The Young and the Restless while I did my homework. Then, we'd catch Oprah at four.
Once I moved to Chicago I started watching Oprah every morning. As a hater, it's important that I begin each day with a certain degree of disdain for the world, and I find an hour of The Oprah Winfrey Show does the job. Yet lately, the disdain I feel while watching has been replaced by great sadness, because each morning I remember that this is the final season of The Oprah Winfrey Show.
How I will spend the nine o'clock hour next television season is beyond me. I'll face that day when the tears stop. In the meantime, I'd like to present a list: twenty-five reflections inspired by way too many years of watching The Oprah Winfrey Show.
- Ain't shit under my chair.
- Oprah Winfrey knows the lyrics to zero songs. Therefore, she is terrible at lip-syncing. There are ample clips from various shows to prove this point. I have no idea why the director insisted on cutting to her anyway.
- Everything Pras Michel knows about attaching himself to far more talented people and benefiting financially, he learned from Gayle King.
- You can't spell god without an O. I'm just sayin'.
- Oprah sleeps with a vial of James Dean's blood under her pillow. This is the only way I can adequately explain why white ladies go bonkers when they see her.
- Steadman Graham must be in the witness protection program.
- The only thing more obnoxious than John Travolta in a movie is John Travolta on the Oprah show.
- The same statement holds true for Tom Cruise.
- In fact, if you're a dude and want your crappy movie promoted, you should call Oprah.
- Just ask Chris Rock.
- And Tyler Perry.
- Speaking of movies, I'm still really mad about Beloved.
- So is Toni Morrison. (This is merely a guess.)
- I love it when Oprah acts like she has no idea what drugs are and/or how to use them. In other words, last season's two-part Whitney Houston interview brought me endless amounts of joy.
- The word ama[aaaaaaaaa]zing[!!!!] can't wait to get its life back.
- If I had to choose between accidentally stepping on Suge Knight's new Jordans and being confronted by Oprah on her show. I'd pick the former every time.
- Just ask James Frey.
- Oprah: 1, Your entire life : 0
- BUT Oprah: 0, Weight loss: 234979124. Can't win 'em all.
- All of my Oprah imitations begin with, "My friend Maya Angelou once said..." and then I say something super obnoxious and underwhelming--just like Oprah.
- Like a teenager committed to rebellion, I blame Oprah for this stint in graduate school. I refuse to live my best life, just to spite her.
- The above logic is absolutely irrational, as irrational as the idea that a black woman could ever rule this friggin' world. But it happened. Oprah Winfrey, FTW!
- Note to self: never trust any Oprah expert--except Nate Berkus.
- Not that she will, but if Oprah asks, I never wrote any of this mess. Or this. Or...
- The only thing that makes me laugh harder than Oprah singing her own theme song is the jheri curl. It's that funny: