The BET Awards: A Running Commentary

6:58 -- i hate to say it, but joe jackson stole those locs from kool moe dee.

7:02 -- ok. new edition needs auto-tune.

7:02 -- bobby brown is just nasty.

7:06 -- this 'beat it' performance [by jamie foxx] would've been way better with an appearance by michael delorenzo. i'm just saying...

7:10 -- don't call me miss cleo, but i prognosticate that this show will come off like the talent show portion of a black family reunion. (call me now!)

7:11 -- dear jamie foxx, next time, please borrow a teleprompter from obama. love, me.

7:12 -- paging dr. timberlake.

7:13 -- tyra! do your "black or white" bit!

7:14 -- michael jackson should win EVERY award tonight--even best male athlete.

7:16 -- BET feels the recession; they laid off award nominees.

7:18 -- hopefully, allowing ginuwine to share his memories of mj saves us from his rendition of "she's out of my life" (yeah, i bought 100% ginuwine. and i still hate myself for it.)

7:20 -- [commercial break] i bet you $5 michael jackson has said to james brown, "this is some bullshit" at least twice.

7:25 -- keri hilson: totally debunking the stereotype that negroes are a musical people.

7:26 -- text from my homegirl, keisha: if you're not a good impersonator, just say you'll miss him.

7:28 -- way to go, ne-yo. [that's all you're getting from me.]

7:31 -- i hope they got swv to sing the human nature remix of "right here." does coko still have her nails?

7:35 -- akeelah spells AND sings?

jamie foxx performance. moving on...

7:41 -- dear tiny, call fantasia. love, me.

7:42 -- i love snoop dogg. there. i said it.

7:46 -- did jamie foxx just call nichelle nichols "star trek"?

7:54 -- i need a translator to understand t-pain. or autotune.

7:55 -- i dare an award winner NOT to thank god. sorry. God.

7:57 -- [commerical break] i'm nearly full from this soup sandwich.

8:00 -- is mariah carey there? i hope she brought trey lorenz.

8:02 -- what time does the mc hammer show come on?

8:02 -- BEYONCE!

8:03 -- wait. what the hell is beyonce doing?

8:05 -- sarah mclachlin? mj ain't write that. "gone too soon"? the free willy jam? give me a reason not to hate you, bey!

8:06 -- my cousin, michael on bey's performance: how u gonna come out and sing a meaningful song in lingerie?

8:08 -- did anybody tell beyonce that michael jackson died?

8:09 -- if i were joe jackson, i'd cuss out everybody and leave. they tarnishing your legacy, fam!

8:13 -- [on the martin lawrence/jamie foxx "wanda and she ne ne" bit] i can't believe it took this long to see black men in drag.

8:22 -- dear mc lyte, no need to scream. there's a microphone right in front of your face.

8:24 -- zoe saldana, no need to put nichelle on blast. older folks need to make water.

8:25 -- did zoe just say "taraji" like her name was "celie"?

8:31 -- i bet michael jackson is really pissed off about folks saying how he made it possible for them to be (t)here.

8:32 -- keith sweat still can't sing, but i love him.

8:33 -- guy! with a keytar‽

8:35 -- bbd! i am still trippin' off the fact that kwame wrote "poison."

8:36 -- lesson learned: new jack swing did not require good singing.

8:39 -- ok. i think the show has peaked.

8:41 -- [commercial break] maybe it's me, but i just don't think black people should do cotton commercials.

8:42 -- confession: i love nene [from the real housewives of atlanta.]

8:42 -- who chose ciara to sing this song? fire him/her.

8:44 -- [ciara sings "heal the world"] eff the world, ciara. heal your vocal chords.

8:46 -- hellloooo, paula patton.

8:49 -- as a general rule, i love monica. the boy was/is hers. no diss, brandy.

8:52 -- well, for memyselfpersonally, i think BET just should've aired moonwalker.

8:53 -- [commercial break and highlight of my night]: e's "i believe i can fly"/"you are not alone" mash-up.

8:56 -- the mayor of philadelphia, ms is also a member of the nation of islam. sorry for the default and lazy black man in bow tie joke.

8:58 -- jeremy piven = this generation's robert deniro.

8:58 -- joe jackson is still at the show?!?!? get out!!

8:59 -- ok. i was used to BET not showing the nominees. now, they are showing them. god, BET. get it together, or leave it alone.

9:00 -- beyonce talks. *cringe*

9:00 -- jiggaaaaaahhhh.

9:01 -- [again] joe jackson is still at the show‽‽‽‽ get out!!

9:06 -- i REPEAT: i don't think black people should do cotton commercials. jazmine sullivan, i'm talking to YOU.

9:10 -- why couldn't mj's death inspire a moratorium on self-hype/promotion? shut up about your tour already, jamie foxx.

9:11 -- don cornelius!! one of the greatest afros ever.

9:13 -- at this point, the only thing that could redeem this show? DEBARGE.

9:14 -- my problem with the ojays? the random third member. much love, though.

9:16 -- TEVIN CAMPBELL!!

9:17 -- tevin, can we talk about where you've been? what's that? you've been sitting idle in a boat, while everyone else was down the stream?

9:18 -- i miss gerald levert at black awards shows.

9:22 -- i still miss the tyrese from the coke commercial.

9:32 -- first obama shout out. shucks. we almost made it to the end!

9:35 -- jesus. there's still an hour left?

9:37 -- [the ojays' performance] ojays to the new jackers: THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.

9:41 -- the ojays had HITS! next time they play at a casino, i'm there.

9:42 -- how to look famous: wear sunglasses inside. it confuses the camerapeople.

9:44 -- i swear to god, mariah carey and trey lorenz BETTER sing "i'll be there" at the end of this show!

9:47 -- [idris elba on stage] i love black people with british accents.

9:48 -- dear debra lee, i hate you. love, me.

9:51 -- what's debra lee saying? i muted the tv. lemme guess. something like, "i hate black people"?

9:52 -- every time debra lee smiles, a puppy dies.

9:55 -- the least BET could've done was play "man in the mirror" during the wyclef and alicia keys in africa segment. lazy. just lazy.

22:02 -- wyclef, your work in haiti is the least you could do to make up for that duet with the rock. hell, for everything after the carnival.

22:10 -- tiny, what i need from you is understanding. what's up with your roots?

22:11 -- everytime i see ving rhames, i'm reminded of (no, not holiday heart) jack lemmon.

22:11 -- [on ving rhames and baby boy reenactment] the belt? as if the ads for BET's upcoming shows weren't embarrassing and ignorant enough.

22:15 -- [introducing maxwell] what's that, jamie foxx? you're a dressing-in-drag homophobe?

22:15 -- maxwell time.

22:18 -- after tonight's fiasco that was the BET awards, how much do you wanna bet maxwell will only be checking puerto rican on the 2010 census?

22:22 -- [commercial break] this just in, folks. jim crow is back.

22:24 -- how does debra lee sleep at night? oh wait. obviously she doesn't.

22:28 -- ok. so BET got that time delay thing together in time for lil wayne's performance. shout out to eddie levert for getting "shit" by the censors!

22:30 -- from "wheelchair jimmy" to "bar stool jimmy." drake. boo. michael jackson NEVER sat down!

22:35 -- the last performance [drake, lil wayne, some other folks] just let me know that many just did not understand michael jackson's legacy.

22:36 -- [commercial break] this just in, folks. slavery is back (just like the mcrib). now in canada, too! (thanks, drake!)

22:37 -- JANET JACKSON!

22:39 -- [foxx and neyo sing "i'll be there"] screw you, jamie foxx. where is trey lorenz?

22:43 -- in the words of michael's sister, janet, "that's the end?" f'real, BET this took 3 whole days? TIME compiled a whole magazine in three days! that's the way love goes, i guess.

*what ever happened to, "you have to be twice as good..."?

*ok. show is over. time to go wash the black off of me, a la the Ex-Coloured Man.

*if BET is still on the air in september, in time enough to air the new shows we saw during the commercial breaks, it's our bad. in the words of Diddy, "Let's go people!"