bring 'em out, bring 'em out: get it together, baby

gayle,

along with las vegas card dealer and bartender (check!), one of my dream occupations is stand-up comic. some people think i'm funny (i've been told i have a very odd sense of humor, whatever that means), but i'm afraid my humor is situational and that my whole routine would consist of me concluding, "well, i guess you had to be there" after every story i told. it hasn't stopped me from trying, though. on a much smaller scale, of course. with the assistance of my sister's karaoke machine, i told my very first "stand-up joke" to her and the dog. here's the scene: i introduce myself. my sister applauds; the dogs stares. i grab the microphone from my emcee self, say "thank you," wait for the "applause" to die down and say, "so, i'm straight." the response? crickets. yep. you had to be there.

gayle, the punchline is that i don't look straight. in other words, i physically manifest many of the codes of daggery. so, i figured the absurdity of me very matter of factly "coming out" as straight would ensue hilarity. i guess i was wrong. about as wrong as i am when celebrities who i think are very obviously gay get all this attention when they come out.

wanda sykes came out the other week. yay for her. but, DUH. though she's not getting the press others (read: the white, more famous gays [not to be confused with the white gaze]) have, the point was mildly newsworthy. it appeared on a couple of the blogs i frequent. i like the way she did it: during a speech at a rally protesting the passage of prop 8. (i don't believe in marriage, but i think folks who want to jump the broom should be allowed.) but when i read about this i thought the very same thing i thought when i've read about other famous gay folks: who didn't know this? wasn't it obvious? maybe biggie shorty's daggerificness was only apparent to me. that's understandable. i love wanda sykes. and i've relatively recently discovered that just about any famous woman i've bothered to admire inevitably ends up admitting to loving the ladies. or is at least suspected of it. in other words, my admiration is my gaydar.

a friend of mine once observed, "you think everybody is gay." my response: "you [and the rest of the world] think[s] everybody is straight." perhaps this assumption, coupled with the above-mentioned admiration eliminates any potential surprise i might have had when a celebrity ends up on the cover of people with some homo blurb under her face, right next to alluring nuggets of verbiage about the latest dumb-ass celebrity wedding. which brings me to my next point: will someone who i don't already assume is a homo come out?

i just want to be surprised for once. ellen degeneres? no shit. lance bass? duh, muhfucka. clay aiken? yawn. alicia keys and queen latifah? paging captain obvious. oh, wait. nix those last two. they ain't gay... yet.

again, i don't think anyone should feel compelled to admit their homo tendencies, but doing so often proves lucrative. afterwards, you get to participate in the commodification of coming out. jump out of the closet and into a pile of money! public confession will get you a cameo on logo and an olivia cruise sponsorship. (what's that, sheryl swoopes? i'll be more surprised when a wnbasketballer comes out as straight, btw.) show me the money, baby.

so, if i ever get famous, my people magazine blurb will read: damn right i'm a dagger. i got the bank account to prove it.

congrats to wanda and all the other obviously gay celebrities coming out. i hope you get a bravo reality tv show.